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Saturday, May 4th, 2002
8:06 pm - well now
doesn't that just make me feel super special?

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Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
9:21 pm - it could have been so much easier. could could be now.
i love love love love a storm. but these boone storms are wimpy. its funny they scare the natives. wouldn't they like to wake up to a hurricane?

i finally realize why i haven't been getting any email, my box is all full up.

i wrote a really good poem last night, which is a happy thing, cause the past year i haven't been able to write crappyola. that may mean something much more. i love reading all my old stuff, even kayla called the other week asking to steal some of my poems as her own for her class, only i gave her some of my really senseless stuff.

payday today, the money disappeared by lunchtime tho with rent, power and groceries, even though (keep a secret) i haven't eaten anything in 4 days. i just haven't been hungry at all and it's fine with me.

oh shiite!!!! i forgot i parked on the sidewalk again!!!! i never plan to write in this thing until i come sit down and get carried away... please let my car still be there...

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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
4:57 pm - everyone wants to.
...i just almost thought i was going to pass out. those coughing fits that come along when youre sick... you start gagging... i just rushed out of this computer lab embarrassed, with tears pouring down... gagging. oh awful.

i think everyone at some point in their life wishes to write a book. don't you think? who actually has that ability to make it good? i want to write a book. i have a few ideas for more than one book....

new journal name... posiesnmypocket...



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1:04 am - doesn't everyone love the spice girls?
i finally bought the spice girls spice world movie last night... $1.98. what a deal. its such a cheesy happy movie. i love those kind of movies. with fat cats across the street, i am getting a pretty large movie collection.

i don't think i like my journal name anymore. even tho i don't really write in this anymore, i've had the same name for way too long.

chimney rock and lake lure is a great little town, aside from the fat fake scarry indian "buisness" guy.

does anyone want to go to jamaica with me? cruises start at just $249. thats anyones 2 week hardees paycheck. i want to go to hawaii and sleep in the sand for about a month.

do you ever feel mentally stalled? like you have creative block... writers block... what about life block? what really should matter to me right now? i don't know. i'm just sort of floating about. nothing ever happens.

13 hours of tv yesterday. 3 whole hours of power puff girls, scooby doo, courage the cowardly dog (yuck), mrs righton or something (yuck), more power puff, simpsons, spice world, and bounce, goodfellas, and little shop of horrors... almost that much today, goofy skate movie, two random tnt movies, theatre movie.

tv addiction... it's never happened to me before. i'm soooo bored in this town!!!!!!

and its sooooooo cold outside.

so depressing, and....
without a hottie cuddle buddie...

i need a beach. i need sunshine. i need a bigger livlier town with some energy... i'm going down the drain.

current mood: high

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Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
11:05 pm - woah.
i haven't posted in along time.

im not oing toworry with this retarded keyboard that doesn't work. if things don't make sense, oh well.

Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!

i'm home. not for long. i'm being screwed over back at the apartment with wannabe freeloaders not payingtheir bills. i hope the power gets turned off on them. me and grace have to find leasers to takeover our place, then you'll be able to find me in colorado. i can't wait. then after colorado, cali to find a place to live and a school.

i need a change.

i'm gonna hop in the bath.

current mood: eager

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Thursday, December 13th, 2001
1:54 am

Take the What Cat Are You? test by webkin!

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Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
12:56 am - thats what memories are for.
well. well well well. i'm out of boone in a month. montana on january 2nd. west coast by the tenth. then home with my puppy to save money. so i can find my city. find myself a city to live in. tola just beat the princess in mario 3. for the second time. we're doing lingerie modeling on thursday nights at a bar for tons of cash. my feet are asleep. can't wait to get these exams over with tomorrow. ahhhhh!

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Monday, December 10th, 2001
12:06 pm

If I were a work of art, I would be Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night.

I am a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the tumult of the heavens. Objects whirl and flash around me in a fevered haze only partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my isolation.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

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Monday, November 12th, 2001
2:34 am
my insides are telling me that i need to be on the road. they have always told me that, just a whole lot more lately. and i keep seeing all these movies and getting all these vibes about taking off, and going with the wind and what not not. but i'm a girl. but i want to travel by myself. but it's scarry and dangerous. but it's more self renewing by yourself. at least i assume. since i've never really done much of it. i need to go. my dog, a pistol, and a car.

current mood: determined

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Saturday, November 10th, 2001
10:57 am - yuck
i feel like poopie. yech. my head hurts. and it's sooo early, but grace woke me up and my head hurts to much to fall back asleep. carla and mandy came by last night and kalani got me and carla some southern comfort, which is very disgusting by the way. i'll stick with tequilla and yegger's or however in the world it is spelled. then someone called our new number here and asked for me and we haven't even given it to a handfull of people. it was crazy and i couldn't even listen enough to figure out who they were. and i'm so bored right now. and i have a paper to write. but i'm going to watch this dvd, remembering the titans or something like that, first. la la la la la . i wish i had a scanner so i could build my webpage.

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Friday, November 9th, 2001
12:50 am - i dug up the driveway to keep my baby home
i am not exactly sure what happened in my brain to make me feel as though i have started over where i feel i began. those days i would come home from school and lie in my bed and cry. i was such a horrible mess of a little girl. maybe i have always had more problems than i have realized or thought. i know that everyone has their fair share of mental and emotional instabilities. people use to say to me, why arent you happy? you never smile. and i would just think, oh if they only knew... i am happy. and i was happy. tarnisha saw the happiness in my eyes and ill never forget that. she if she only, backed up my claim to my happiness. this was twelveth grade. the question is, when did this depression and confusion begin? it took so long to get myself happy and thought out, how did it just disappear all of a sudden? and i think of lindsay because she has thoughts that i use to have. i never think on much of anything anymore without disregarding it as a pointless waste of a thought. but what am i investing my thoughts in? it must be what makes me so unhappy. perhaps my lack of involvement has made me lose my self. it seems too hard to even attempt to do the things i use to do, to be as crazy and social as i use to be. as spontaneous, and carefree. responsibility and maturity are not good things to have as far as i can see it right now. and im a paranoid suspicious wreck and i dont know why. i dont want to be like all of these other crazy loonies around here... please dont let me be next. i want a normal life. i want a normal future. and normal family. and like kalani said, i just feel like i need to remove myself from the problem so that i can work on it. i cant just up and change my whole attitude here. i try to do this, and i come back to this house and it never fails, my spirits are shot as soon as i walk in the door. a whole good day could be ruined in a matter of minutes when i arrive back here. but i love it here. but i hate it. i feel like if i stay here, things might not get better and ill just put things off longer in my attempts. and if i leave here, ill just be running in a way from something that is going to have to change wherever i am because its all up to me. i feel like if i leave, ill regret it, and if i dont ill regret it. i want to think that whatever happens is suppose to happen, but why does the decision have to be so hard in that case? if i leave, i might miss out on something. the best month of my life was in this house the first month we were here. i was happy. everything was wonderful. which is my next question. why does it seem that i let the opposite sex rule my life? but it seems obvious that i am only happy when i feel loved by someone else. everyone says that i cant be happy until im happy with myself, but the only time im happy with myself is when i feel im making someone else happy. here, everyday grace makes me feel stupid. turtle makes me feel just as bad. i hate saying this but billy use to tell me all the time that i made him so happy. then he leaves. and now im back to the exact same way that i was before he showed up on the front porch. its like he was sent to me from somewhere and then snatched up like some little tease. holding the goods in front of my nose but just out of reach. but i got a taste. i got a big taste, and then im left starving. i could be here with lots of friends but my mind is still on something that can provide me with that connection. and why do i feel like i have to search so much harder? im always blown to pieces after just a taste. nothing ever lasts more than a few weeks with anyone. and i need a connection to make me happy. to make me feel like im not wasting my time. wasting my breath. and i always try to be optimistic in whatever happens. the one night stand this summer with hugh boy, i never saw it coming, so i say, this is how love must be. then the banjo shows up and saves me right off the front porch. now here i am trying to figure out how this is suppose to be flipped to optimistic. and trying to figure out what im doing with my life, and which way i should go, and wondering why i had to grow up so fast. why i cant still be lying across noelles black bed with our feet dangling out the window, talking about walking to wilsons in longjohns and sheets. and how did i end up here and why cant i just live and quit worrying? because when there is a hurricane, there is still always that fear that the worst could happen. you cant enjoy the crazy nature aspect of it because of that little fear holding you back. that is how life is. i feel so alone. and i just want to be myself and carefree without inhibitions. a theatrical expressive person. where do i start? i need to know what to do for myself next year. should i stay here? should i go to school? should i move home? should i go to school there? how am i going to manage to pay for my 1000 dollar credit card bill? how did it get that big? love me.

so im just reading over some of my ramblings from the past weeks or so. i feel better the past few days. maybe i just have pms longer than normal or something and thats why im always so emotionally distraught. or whatever the word. im so excited! im going to pick tola up next weekend from charleston for her to move in with us. that should be fun! and kalani moved in a few days ago and got us a phone connection, which is why im back online. not that ive missed it much. i havent. i miss billy. i miss the way my arms wrapped perfectly around him when we slept, and how wed always fall right asleep wherever we happened to fall and wake up like woah! oh oh oh. what ever. fuck him for being just another lying asshole.

best in show and the mexican are really good movies. best in show is so funny!

i can feel it. im going to be in paris this summer. sometimes you can just sense the things youll be doing or whatever. I AM GOING ON THIS PHOTOGRAPHY STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM! i dont care what it takes.

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Thursday, October 18th, 2001
9:12 pm - fun at nyu's computer lab
everyone watch maury povich tomorrow morning... grace and i are going to be cheering in the audience. hehehe...

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Friday, October 12th, 2001
11:30 am
no events. i'm just floating floating around. its drizzly outside and nice. i want to go spend the whole weekend in the photography lab at home. oh why do i have to work all day every saturday? i have thirty minutes of nothing to do left before class. the seemingly impossible did not happen last night. i guess it never will. i just don't know what it is that i find so amazing. well, yes i do know too and thats the good part. but the bad part at the same time. i need a scanner to work on my webpage. la la la ... need to get ani tickets really soon. need some cash. need to pay my visa bill.

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2:10 am
the prophesies of john t. benton AKA john the baptist and also Alabama, have begun. the boredom ceases.

on another note, lets all join hands and hope that the seemingly impossible will happen tonight.

otherwise, its all downhill from here babeeee.

like noticing the darkness of your grandmas house when you sleep on the couch at night as a little kid.

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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
4:46 pm


all day long i want to see billy and when i'm there, and see him, i can't stay. here i am... pointlessly sitting in here... waiting for things to come my way.

i think i'll run back now.

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Sunday, October 7th, 2001
5:00 pm
since no one has been around lately, grace and i have been at each others throats. when the house is full, all is well. i had to get out, so here i am in the computer lab about to steal the weekly toilet paper from the broken stall for our place. i'm bored. just got back from wilkesboro at a photography contest and exhibition. three of my photos made it in the show. two didn't. three of my photos are in hayes mcmillan gallery in boone for this month's show. "crystal genes -- gallery 1"

its cool.

billy was sitting on the porch when i came home from work yesterday. who knows what is up with his mind. we didn't really talk. big surprise. he said maybe we'll go up to the firetowers this afternoon for the sunset. i better get going soon just in case he really wants to go.

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Friday, October 5th, 2001
1:26 pm - think: men look at women. women watch themselves being looked at.

i think. this is true.

the last time i saw billy was one week ago. i bought my banjo one week ago. we played pin ball and pac man at the laundrymat a week ago and he kept giving me big hugs from behind while i played. he had layed in my lap on the couch and we watched halloween. well, he burrowed his head in my arms and told me to tell him when it was over. then he took off. i felt sad. i felt mad. now i don't really feel much of anything. i called him and he casually told me nothing meant nothing anymore and he was just doing what was appealling by taking off. maybe he'd be back, maybe he wouldn't. he said he felt beautiful things but i guess not enough for it to make an impression strong enough that he'd care to try to work things out. things that i didn't see anything wrong with. i guess i'm just going to always be blind. i just can't comprehend those things which i could never see myself doing to someone else. i just keep remembering what he said that when he got back it would be so wonderful. and we would go out on the parkway and sleep and keep each other warm. how he said this just a day or two before he decided it didn't matter. how to fathom? oh well. i couldn't sleep the first few nights.

it is such an adjustment to have someone around everysingle day for almost two months, who you see, get kisses from, and cuddle with all night, and then not have them around at all.

i will just wait and see if he will be back around. all people tell me that they always come back. so, lets see how this goes. i may not even care anymore. i would love to have things as sweet as they were in the beginning, but the misunderstandings took it away. i think we would know how to do things different if he wanted to though.

but i do still miss everything i had.


i have russian tutoring in a few minutes. i'm trying to get back on track. hopefully i can bring up my grades in my classes despite my many absences.

i saw asa mcneely last night working in k-mart. he came to ring me up and i didn't really give him a good look until i was walking away and i saw his nametag first. i was like, "hey! i know you!" and he said i looked familiar too. and i was like, "you were in my fifth grade class!" i could never forget sitting next to him and seth ryan. he asked about seth and allen. its so crazy that i see him. now that i'm reminded of him, i remember a lot of things about him. even though it was so very long ago. i have to go back to k mart and talk to him again. i would love to hang out with him some. i keep thinking about it. it could be coolio.

kevin is going to start living with us now. he didn't come in last night, but he should be around soon i guess. maybe he'll teach me some stuff on the banjo. he's supposedly better than billy, even though no one could possibly sing as crazily and passionately and seductively as billy can. ah well. an interesting love he was.

i better head to tutoring now.

current mood: hopeful

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Sunday, September 30th, 2001
2:11 pm - one more thing...
i had hoped he would come at least say he was leaving, you know, sorry about anything or not sorry... but he didn't.

but i have to talk to him.

so, after much searching, and calling random california people, i finally found his mom's number. since, i can't get up with him to tell him, she'll do it next time he calls her. she made me feel so much better and i hope he calls her before he takes off to new york.

fingers crossed.

current mood: crushed

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2:02 pm - just to keep the update...
so, he did come back. and it was good. all was good. everything was wonderful.

the next night, he didn't come back. at 5 in the morning i was wide awake saying to myself, "i need to go driving. i need to go driving." so i got up and got dressed and wrote a note in hopes he would come back and find it early. i put the time on it so he'd know i'd been gone since before daylight. i left. i went and watched the sunrise by myself. i blared my lisa loeb and wrote in my journal. i was out far away from boone where i've never gone before and decided to take the parkway back into boone. driving along, i surprisingly see billy's truck on the side of the road. so i turn around in my car, scared to see him not alone and pulled in, right up to his back bumper so i could see inside the back camper that was open. and i waited. i saw blue... stephanie's dog, peek out his head. then billy. then stephanie. no more is to be said. they both left town yesterday.

i am very sad.


shocked and disbelieving.

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, September 27th, 2001
1:09 pm - she said he wasn't, i said i know
SEPTEMBER 27 2001. 11:30PM.

you said you were going to get smokes but you handed me Sky and told me to take good care of her. Mamadou diabate was playing in my room and you did a little jiggle in front of the door. then you walked into my room and came out with something in your hand. i think thats like you. i think you're leaving with no goodbye and no kisses because even now, just thinking that maybe you did, i almost cry. it dawned on me that maybe you did.. but maybe you'll walk in any minute now. your shampoos and soaps and things are gone. and the orange shirt that was lying on my floor this morning has vanished also. i didn't see you put it on. all i see of yours is a single sock in the corner of my closet, your sexy lily-torn hillbilly hat, and a flannel shirt in the bottom of my clothes basket. something for me to smell when i miss you most. but you may as well be gone now because it was coming. i knew it would happen sometime. from the beginning, we knew there would be an end. we said the goodbye twice yesterday but you were still there with me this morning. you couldn't do it. and every crossable thing in my body is crossed in hopes you'll come back.

please come back.

current mood: scared

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